6/14/2024 + I don’t know what I’m waiting for at this point. I mean, I do know what I’m waiting for.. but I feel an aching desperation to get it over with right now. It really isn’t an ache anymore, each day the feeling gets sharper and sharper like I’m being stabbed through the heart. What adds so much misery to all of this is the humilation of it. I can’t help but feel like a teenage cliche, even though my pain is very real. I don’t understand why the go-to response when someone sees signs of this is to degrade them. Haven’t I been degrading myself enough without your help? I understand that my parents have provided all of these material things for me, but I feel a missing piece emotionally. I feel that I have to hide my emotions around them. One of them specifically always acts in anger whenever I cry or struggle to get out of bed. I just don’t understand. Am I that much of a burden to others? That was never my intention, I’ve just been trying to turn myself into someone who can function. Unfortunately, I show no signs of succeeding at that. I was just yelled at by this parent to “get out of my own head”. It’s so much more difficult, impossible even, to do this when I have to let my emotions accumulate inside of me until they spill out and scare everyone. If only I knew how to communicate...

6/16/2024 + Yesterday I went out with friends for the first time in a while. I consider them to be my only actual friends - just two people. Yesterday made me even more aware of how little I can deal with human interaction. Whenever they wanted to do something I didn’t want to do, I became unreasonably upset - although I’d like to think I hid it well. They didn’t complain. If they then suggested they would go off and do that thing without me, I became horribly jealous. It was all over the most trivial little things too. One of the two I have been friends with for a while longer than the other. I think I got so used to only having one friend that I can’t handle that fact that she has other friends and other plans. The strangest part of my jealousy is that I don’t even enjoy interacting with people as much as I used to, including friends. My relationship with people is complex. I’m a people-pleaser who hates people. The thing is, I don’t want to hate people. I’m not sure you could even call it true hate. Beyond my control, this terrible thing that is always hanging over me makes it a challenge to treat people the way I want to treat them. I often times go out of my way to help others, but in conversations I struggle to not come off as rude because I get so fed up with every little thing. Despite my attempts at kindness, I get so easily annoyed. My annoyment quickly turns into something much bigger. I was just thinking back to a girl in one of my classes this year who I told several people I hated. I realized that she never really did anything deserving of my hate. She just mildly annoyed me. My emotions feel like they’ve been put in a blender and have turned into one big, mixed up mess. I find it funny how despite all of this, I’m nicer to people than the other kids around here that will live to 90. At least I try.

6/20/24 + Now that it’s been 8 days since summer break has started, I’ve been thinking about how much I couldn’t wait for this break to start. I would remind myself in my head that I just need to pull through a little longer and then I’ll be free. I should’ve known that a different setting wouldn’t be a miracle cure. Now I just have more time than ever to let my destructive thoughts consume me, but I don’t have enough energy and motivation to do anything productive instead. This just goes to show that no matter what situation I’m in, I can’t get out of this. My mind won’t let me. Lately I’ve been realizing that I have no true identity. I feel like so many of us don’t have one, and we just become what we consume and what we see others doing. That disturbs me. I’ve been feeling shame over those around me who claim to love me not knowing what I have planned as I try to act normal. The only reason I have any hesitation is because of those around me, not out of my own safety. It’s so wrong to do this to them, I wish I didn’t feel like I have no choice - but I do. I don’t know who I am, yet somehow I hate who I am. I feel like an embarrasement to the entire world no matter what I do. I think I’ve been too attached to my parents for too long and now I don’t know how to function as an adult without them. I can’t handle the loss of the warm feeling of security they bring. Either continuing to live or choosing to die, I believe that I’m a burden regardless.

As I was writing the draft of this in an old notebook, I found pages from when I was a child. The first one told of this girl named Amy who was starting the first day of Kindergarten. She hid her backpack from others for no apparent reason because she was so insecure. That was me on the first day of Kindergarten. The name change proves how I’ve always wanted to disassociate myself from my insecurity, yet its always been there. Another old entry tells of a friend who I swore with complete certainty would be my “best friend forever ‘til the end of time!” I haven’t been friends with this same girl in years. We haven’t even talked. I’ve always been yearning for infinite love and devotion more than anything else in this world. This has always broken my heart and left a nasty, gaping wound because that just doesn’t exist in this world. I cry thinking of child me. I’m mourning myself. I feel guilt for not still being her. I’m disgusted by the loss of innocence and wonder that everyone goes through as they age. I felt fulfilled and happy then, even without doing much. Something has changed.